💚A morning like today reminds me of how incredibly stunning life is. I still have bills to take care of, those didn’t get magically paid while I slept last night. And my house is still a chaotic mess, laundry didn’t fold itself during my morning meditation. And I still don’t know how this project I am working on will see the light of day, genius ideas didn’t come pouring in as I planted the seeds of my intentions before I got out of bed. I live in the real world. The spiritual path is grounded in the real world, laundry and all! But my experience of the real world has become quite magical over the past decade.
I found that when I have the courage and the trust to follow the impulse in my body, to engage life from this knowing that is always there to guide me, that has never left me, the perceived failures and setbacks are magic too. I found that following the impulse and co-creating with god includes a huge array of experiences, emotions, and results, including long periods of time doing nothing and what looks like the opposite of success.
This inner impulse, this knowing has been with me since I was a little girl. Although I stopped following it when I became a teenager, it reminded me it was still there in the car accident, when for a moment, time and space gave way to my truth. And although I still didn’t know how to come back to this truth in the years after the accident, this knowing showed up again, it surprised me when I found myself in a mess of snot and tears 5 years later when I sat in a conversation about feminine leadership with a small group of women. See, the accident had shown me the “what” I was made of, it reminded me of the essence of peace and creativity that was my truth. That day in the circle with the women when I surrendered to my heart, I was shown the “how”. I was shown that my body was essential, it was the "how". I realized that the way to living this truth of mine was to go into and through, with a whole lot of love and patience.
So I began by consciously living like that. I intended, in my meditation, to come to a place where I could sit quietly with myself and feel inner peace. For a couple of years, that was my sole intention. I desired inner peace more than anything else. I needed to become best friends with my body, to let it know that I was there now, that I loved it now.
Year after year I gained my body's trust, and I loved it more than it had ever been loved before. And peace came. I stuck with it because every time I healed a layer of pain, I felt lighter and I knew I was getting closer to my heart’s desires.
Magically, the lighter I felt, the closer I got to my soul. My soul began speaking to me more clearly. Before, I did have dreams and flashes of intuition, but now, my soul was talking directly to me, through the instrument of my body. I began to trust the impulses of inspiration, following the breadcrumbs of peak experiences, those moments where everything feels so perfectly aligned and meant to be, regardless of the chaos all around or what my mind says.
Looking back, I see a pattern. There are seasons in my years. Each year there are months of confusion and stillness, followed by months of healing and letting go, followed by months of clarity and vivid imagination, followed by months of engaging with actions and focus, followed by months of slowing down again. These seasons have their own ways of letting me know it’s their time. My days also have seasons.
At the beginning, it would take me a long time to listen. I’d fight the season of slowing down and stillness because of my driven personality and my strong (limiting) belief that “not doing” is stagnation and stagnation is bad. I perceived space with no-thing as setbacks, failures. I was very hard on myself for not being able to “figure this out.” Resisting this made everything take longer, and it hurt so much more.
But with the years I re-familiarized myself with the way these seasons speak to me, like they did when I was a little girl. When I see the chaos all around erupting, that’s my cue to let go of control, stay still for as long as it takes, and breathe. I know chaos is the precursor to clarity, but I need to get out of the way first. And when sadness creeps up in my body, that’s my cue to take time out from the world, go in and incubate with this abstract information. And when expansion lights up my insides, when I cry with joy reading an amazing book or watching a stunning sunset, I know I am now an active vessel for source, I am a lightning rod grounding god-force in my world. When before I would use this surplus of energy to “do” more of the things that didn’t work before but made me feel safe, now I use this energy to feed my imagination, my soul’s vision, my heart’s intentions. It's so delicious!
We don't live in a society that gives credibility to this cycle, to this way of creating our lives. But it is the wisdom of the ancients, and so many of us know this to be true. We know in our hearts that we don't want to live any other way, even if it means standing alone for a little while, "failing" a little.
This morning is one of these mornings when I feel so grateful for knowing what I know.
You know so much already, you have read the books, done the healing work. Trust yourself. The trick is patience, kindness with yourself, knowing who you are and what you want at a soul level. Trust that the song you feel in your heart is real and expect it to come true. You are the creator of it, simply because you are able to feel it and envision it. Feed your vision daily with the energy our your love, engage that power when action is demanded of you. Ultimately, the how and the when is not up to you. But your faith in you is.
And when lightning strikes and energy and enthusiasm fill you up, direct it toward your heart-song, your soul's intention. Don't waste it on other people’s dreams.
Like Wayne said: " Don't die with your music still inside you."
I love you