Merging Back with Her: Deep Feeling, Spiritual Mastery, and Trust
An audio version of this blog post is available. Navigate to the audio player above and select the play button to hear this blog post narrated by Anne Bérubé.
A trait spiritual masters share is their ability to feel emotions deeply. They know that their body is a highly sensitive instrument that permits them to know truths through feeling all of life, moment to moment.
They no longer need to actively establish defensive barriers; these arise naturally from the deep-seated knowledge within them. They no longer perceive threats they need to defend against. All of life is safe when you trust your instrument to lead the way.
The unseen impact of trauma: interrupted feeling and self fragmentation
Fully feeling the depth of each moment without barriers is a gift we all possess.
This capacity changes as we grow to adapt to our environment.
When trauma happens, a part of us shuts down and our subconscious mind doesn't allow us to feel certain aspects of an experience.
The ability to fully feel gets disrupted, creating a separation between us and our existence (or our connection to a higher power, universal energy, etc.). If our nervous system is shocked, certain internal areas become unavailable to our conscious awareness, as if a piece of our authentic self is removed and kept distant.
Our nervous system does this to protect us from a threat it expects will come back. However, without the ability to fully feel, and therefore fully trust, we can't access the full wisdom available to us.
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Recalling the night of the accident: Rage, blame, and disconnection
Twenty-two years ago, the night of the car accident, a part of me left. It couldn't stay in a body that existed in a world perceived as dangerous or life-threatening.
After the near-death experience where I saw my life like a movie in front of my mind's eyes, I came here to live, and the deep feeling of unconditional love, I regained consciousness, and everything felt harsh, painful, and hostile. The contrast was so intense that I didn't want to be there, and it propelled me into a very dense human experience. As I mentioned in my previous post, this was an experience I hadn't entirely owned until recently.
My right arm and neck were covered in blood from the shattered window, my right shoulder was in agonizing pain from the door caving in on my upper body, my left hip was numb, jammed into the gearbox, and I felt like a ton of bricks was on my chest. I could only take small sips of air; my lungs hurt like hell.
I was angry. To be more accurate, I was enraged like I hadn't felt rage before. And I couldn't control it.
I was angry at my boyfriend for having taken a stupid left turn into oncoming traffic and risked my life, again, like all the immature adults who had risked my life and had not kept me safe from harm as a little girl.
I was pissed off at him for frantically trying to pull me out of the passenger window as others tried to pull him away from me.
I was furious at the ambulance, which took 20 minutes to get to me, as I was bleeding internally and felt my life force slipping away.
I was angry at myself for bringing my friend along for a game of golf that night. I could hear people behind me, worried and scared, speculating to each other that “she might be dead.”
I was terrified, and I was in shock. But mostly, I was angry. And after two decades of dealing with rage calmly and silently, either by freezing or shutting down, I unleashed it toward anyone who would come close to me or speak to me that night.
The awakening: Confronting anger, restoring Trust, and embracing life
I was blaming everyone, but I was really angry at Her—life.
That night, I felt betrayed by Her, and I lost trust in Her.
And this anger would stay trapped in me for decades, keeping my naturally deeply trusting nature at bay and keeping me from fully trusting that life was on my side. After that night, I never wanted to lose control again and became vigilant of situations that could put me in a similar situation.
By losing my trust in Her, I lost trust in the part of me that is the great mother, the fiery creator, the giver of all life.
Although I still had access to Her, a piece was always missing. I couldn't fully embrace the parts of the divine feminine hidden by my fear.
I know now that the way I was living back then, how I made my choices, disconnected from my body and my intuition, wasn't a safe environment for the fullness of my higher self to stay. So out of love for our potential, my soul fragmented and a part of me left.
Until recently, when it returned...
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