This excerpt from my book is still true today.
I know that there are still ( and will continue to be ) places inside myself I haven't gone to yet, dark nooks and crannies of my subconscious that are wanting to come out of the shadows, wanting to be seen in the light, so I can grow through the goop and emerge anew. When it show up, everything in my body wants to shut it down. I catch myself blaming myself and others for the mess, for the chaos. And on top of it, it feels super unsafe to share my confusion with the ones I love the most, like I could lose a lot by doing so.
I don't so much worry that they will see the ugly bits, but that these bits are unacceptable, a deal breaker in our relationship contract, bits that could shake the ground of our reality and take us into a wild and lonely land.
Change is the only thing consistent about life. And these messes are not brought on by an essential darkness of life. NO. They are brought on by this fierce light, this unapologetic life-force within us that has no more time to waste. Underneath the fear is where this force pushes, trying to make its way through the tissue of our body, desiring to shape us in the true expression of ourselves.
So there is no other real way but through; going into the fear, in the destabilizing hurt, and being witnessed in all of our sadness and in all our shame; all the way to the stillness of the in-between space, not yet new but no longer known, where breath is the only thing we know for sure exists; to eventually, and only in time and with patience and continued love for self and this process, a place to land, a ground to put our feet down, like a newborn but in a brand new context.
We know it when our life force can no longer remain small in order to keep the peace, to keep things as they are around us. Often our outside world will mirror it to us. My daughter was the mirror this time. I didn't see it coming at all. And it shook my primary relationship up, the one I have with Paul. For weeks I felt I was in no man's land, navigating completely new and unknown territory. I tried not to rush it. I am still in it. But I can feel the intelligence at play. It always emerges, in time.
I know that this process will continue to be true for me for the rest of my life. I know I will keep coming up to a new layer of vulnerability, and it might be sneaky and try to go around me, convince me I am fine. But every time I dive in and go through it, I build more trust in my body's capacity to handle the transformation and my heart’s ability to process the shift in energy; I build more trust in the essential creative nature of soul and universe; and I build more trust in the incredible intelligence of this life-force animating my being.